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There are few more effective ways to win at poker than a well-timed insult. The big question here is what type of insults are the most appropriate to increase your win rate, and during what key moments? Objective studies have found that a both popular and highly effective method is one relating to Your Mom, for example:

• Your mom is so ugly; when she joined an ugly contest they said “Sorry, no professionals.”
• Your mom is so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs.
• Your mom is like a race car driver, she burns 20 rubbers a day.

Et cetera. Of course, just improvising around this theme is not the best approach – we need some way of knowing what insults have the best effect and when, which is why I’ve put together a ground-breaking study on the issue (don’t try this at home).

Across several online poker sessions, I have mentioned Your Mom at different tables and during different sessions. I carefully checked that my opponents had their chat function activated and then fired away the insults on fourth street. To get a measurable estimate I carefully monitored my win rate vs. my opponent’s tilt factor using these different variations:

• Your Mom + Unattractive
• Your Mom + Obese
• Your Mom + Promiscuous

The results, as you can see, were unfortunately inconclusive. However, in the next part of the study I will measure the effects of these different variations during live games and while strolling around the casino. That should answer this question once and for all.