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Knowing your opponent at the poker table is everything in poker. And for the occasion we have asked none other than Scott of Scott’s Tip Of The Day to describe the, according to him, worst imaginable set of characters to meet over a game of poker.

1. The Know-It-All

He has all of his poker statistics memorized. He’s watched Rounders 148 times and memorized every line by heart. He never shuts up.  He likes to namedrop. “I took Danny Negreanu for twenty thou at Foxwoods last summer. Vanessa Rousseau? She was all over me at the Borgata, but I’m a married man.” But for all of his annoying yapping, he never seems to win a hand.

To see our hilarious caricature speed painting video of The Mouth, click here.

2. Mr. Down On His Luck

“Sorry guys, I’m a little tapped out. How about letting me play on credit? What? Oh yeah, the $4,000 I owe you. You know I’m good for it. Awww, come on!!! You know I’m in a bind right now. My money’s all tied up. What? Well investing in Tamagotchis and Pogs seemed like a good idea at the time, OK? You know what? Fine…. Fine. Take my watch. It’s a Casio. It’s got a calculator on it. That’s got to be worth 2, 3,000 bucks right? What? Twenty-five bucks? Are you serious? C’mon guys you gotta let me play! I’m getting hot, I can feel it. I can feel it! Come on!!!! My wife is going to kill me!!!!!!!!!” At this point Mr. Down On His Luck starts sobbing and the two biggest guys at the table have to forcibly remove him.

3. The Brain Damaged Mongoloid

Mr. Down On His Luck is pretty pathetic. He didn’t have any money. What’s worse? The brain damaged mongoloid who thinks monopoly money is legal tender. He eats fruit loops on the poker table and spills the milk all over the felt.  Whenever the action’s on him, the game slows to a glacial pace. “Mongo, please stop eating your cards, you don’t win more money for doing that. Oh great! We’re going to have to replace the deck again! That’s the seventh one tonight!” Sometimes he poops himself. Other times he’ll spazz out because it’s getting late and he’s going to miss Wapner. He calls you on everything and somehow you just know you’re going to go all in with a pair of Kings and he’s going to go runner runner to make that flush.

4. Phil Hellmuth

Two things can happen when you play Phil Hellmuth in poker. He’s either going to beat you bad and you’re going to walk away crying, or you’re going to beat him bad and he’s going to walk away crying. Either way you’re two grown men and one of you is crying. Not an ideal situation at the poker table.